A creative title for this one, I know.
I wanted to write an offering that I hoped would be “medicine” for those who read. I’m kind of, sort of, loosely referring to this spread throughout. This somewhat a reading, more so a check in, and it felt a bit medicinal for me to engage in this space, once again, in a longer form. I hope there’s something here for you, too.
Periods of transition are the hardest in part because during the times we most need to let go, we grip on to our illusions of control the most. I feel complicated about inserting myself with the first person “I” into my readings, but I’ll insert here and say that by “we” I mean me, and I struggle with this more times than I can bother to keep track of.
Our illusions of control sometimes might make us feel safe. They grant us some semblance of stability, predictability, and certainty that can feel empowering in a way. Empowering in that you can for a moment feel that you’re sure you know what comes next.
But what happens after that brief moment passes? And you’re filled with fear or doubt and you know longer recognize the “truth” in front of you that you so tightly held on to?
I’ll insert myself again and say that sometimes written readings are hard. I’m coming to this post a bit out of practice I would say, and I’m finding myself in some way struggling to push the words out. Not necessarily struggling, but I’m observing myself as I doubt and second-guess my words. As I erase and rethink and retype and, in some way, block my message from coming out as it needs to. Not completely, as in this meditative state I trust that what needs to come out will and whoever needs to hear it is already here.
So, where were we? Ah, right, doubt, fear, the gamut of emotions that come and sit within you like lukewarm tar (if that’s a thing) but that you sometimes get so used to feeling that you stop asking why. Why does expressing myself in this way make this pit rise in my gut? Why am I experiencing friction in this place in my life more than I find it in others? Why do I sometimes feel like I have all the time in the world, and others feel like some force outside of me has sucked out my last breath?
I was talking to a friend earlier today about how so many people don’t ask enough questions — if this might be you, your first question to self can be, well where do I start?
Now that I’ve waxed poetic about transitions, let’s try to get more into these cards.
The energy of this spread is stagnant and resistant to me. Resisting and feeling the constraints of time around you, working to be patient but staring down your plants and constricting their room to grow. What in your life could use a bit more space at this time? Where can you grant yourself the luxury of grace?
It’s fitting that as I’m reading into this stagnation, as I’m reading into the impatience that is coming from the Seven of Coins reversed, I’m having a hard time putting together the words for this post. My mind and my words are feeling stuck as I work on this piece that I so badly want to put out. I’ve been saying to people that I want to “flow” more, that I want to follow impulses, that I want to lean into the creative urges as they come — but what if those impulses need more time to back them up? What if a project requires more revisiting than you intend? How, then, do you continue to show up to the space over and over and over again, making things that maybe you don’t like, tripping in places you never even saw before, and find a way to continue to make the work that you feel called to bring into the world?
What was that I was saying earlier about being uncomfortable inserting myself into readings? Is this even a “reading” anymore? Something like that.
That’s the thing about transformation, sometimes it presents itself as a shiny gift, a burst of color, a sweet treat that sounds like a hell yes in our ears as we reach out to get a taste. Sometimes transformation comes without friction, but from what I’ve been experiencing lately, deep transformation feels like running into the walls of your own mind as you’re called in deeper than you knew possible to dig out the gunk that you didn’t even realize was there.
How might we (how might I) keep going? The Knight shows up here to remind us of our message, to remind us that when we feel called to express and to share, that it is a crucial part of our transformative work. To move forward and be clear and direct with our words as much as possible, while granting ourselves the grace to find them along the way. I often find myself in a sort of “perfection paralysis”, where I get so caught up in saying the right thing or saying the perfect thing or delivering something in the absolute best way that my fight/flight/freeze response takes the form of freeze and I’m halted in my tracks. Do you feel that, too? That clutching in your chest? A certain tingle that runs through your palms that feels in some way like an energy surge and in others like ice running through your veins? That’s your adrenaline kicking in, at least in my case it is, and it’s taken me a lot of work, a lot of running in to the walls, and a lot of conscious effort that I still have to take to stop, breathe, and release whatever it is I’m holding on to with the faith that it will land as it needs to.
Honestly, I’m feeling a little lost in the sauce here, if you will. How does any of this relate at all to the upcoming full moon? How is the Taurus moon energy present in the air here, and how is it influencing the spread? I thought this “offering” would be more of a reading, but it’s feeling better to use the cards as a guide to check in with where I am. As a guide to recognize that though I want to deliver some “collective message”, this reading is really for me. As a moment to notice that I’m experiencing that friction that sometimes sits between what I want and what actually is and I have to set myself aside to allow for what is to come. A pause for me to take a look at how my hold on perfectionism is creeping in right now. To look at how I simultaneously want to rush ahead as with the Knight of Swords, slicing my way through the thickness of the time that I’m having to work with, delivering quality results in some cases, but my vision is so focused on the outcome that at times I’m not only missing the process but I’m also missing some of the sweetest fruit.
And I haven’t even mentioned our dear friend, the Five of Wands. A symbol of conflict, seemingly among others but here it’s really pointing to the conflict we create within ourselves. The friction that I’ve been creating within and outside of myself. Yes it’s important to be still, to be considerate, to be careful, to slow down, but there’s also a balance within which I have to keep it moving. Not too fast, not too slow. Sometimes I think if I go to slow I’ll miss the boat. But if I go too fast, I’ll miss the details. I feel like I’m flip flopping here, but maybe the point is that no pace is one size fits all. In some areas we must pick it up and keep it going and grant ourselves as much graces as possible as we trial by the fire in front of and around us. In others, we must take after the tortoise in our favorite childhood fable. How do we know the difference?
We have to be still, if even for a moment, listen, and if we can’t hear the answer, find the space to ask.
Get curious, be open, and recognize when you’re in that place of the Dark Night of the Soul and it’s time to shed. Recognize when it’s time to sit with yourself through the shedding and trust that it is crucial to your growth. And maybe somewhere in that process you can realize that you have more time than you think, that you are more capable than you think, that you have far more options than you have considered, and that the chaos around you could possibly be cleared with a little more kindness to yourself and your environment and a little more stillness of the mind. Maybe in your, case it’ll take something else. Some other tool or some other amount of time. As with the pace you have to find in each situation, the solutions and tools you need from case to case may not be one size fits all. But I think for most of you, you have the tools, you might just need to apply a little trust and a bit of curiosity for new places to look.
And then we march forward. I love Taurus energy because my earth moon and fixed sun love this grounded friend. And I think this energy can teach us how to come back to solid ground when the world around us and within us are in perpetual states of change. I’ve been feeling like the Knight of Swords the past few weeks in my day job, having to execute and calibrate quickly, like an obstacle course that I’m running through and having to react to new information about the hurdles as the come. But with that energy comes the balance of work hard, rest harder, and I think that’s how I’ve been feeling this Taurus energy coming to play.
Work hard, rest harder. Seek clarity of mind, and peace within the soul. Charge forward, godspeed, and pause to take in the scent of the space around you — light a candle if it helps. Try if you can to see and soak in and enjoy where you are even while keeping in mind where you have yet to go. As with anything, it’s a balancing act. As with anything, no pace is one size fits all. But I trust you, and I know you’ll see it through.
And take this affirmation with you as you go:
“I am worry-free. I release worry over things I cannot control. Instead, I choose to focus on things that are pleasing to me. When I release worry I allow room for solutions to enter my life. I am worry-free.”
Decks Used: The Fountain Tarot, Postcards from the Liminal Space, I Am Co. Affirmations Deck
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